I want so much more for my life. so much more than what I have right now. I feel abandoned half way through my training and yet I still don't know what I'm training for. I'm a half creation. And with only half, how can you ever be what you were intended to be. I watch movies and listen to musical scores and dream of a life that is adventurous and epic. I want to be bold and change the world and impact people and live a life worth writing about. Instead the eloquent thoughts in my head are only there to narrate the mundane. The trivial ramblings of a half creation. i can't help but feel as if I will always be this way. You see, I've felt this way for a few years now. I'm not sure I have ever figured out a way to express it before now, but it doesn't make the past any less valid or true. I seem to have been cut off a few years ago from the woman I was to become. Instead I wallow in this purgatory, unable to leave; unable to become the bold and adventurous woman that I dream about in the night. She is brash and bold; she takes no prisoners, and always speaks the truth. I was told today that I am a loving and tender hearted woman who wants to invest in people and hear their stories. Is that the end product? Or is that just who I am and the purpose for those traits hasn't yet been revealed? I want to listen to epic scores and not feel a hollow ache in my chest; I want instead to feel a sense of belonging. As if that music is my personal soundtrack. I want adventure and purpose. Instead, despite the settling of details, or the accepting of "adult" life, I still feel as lost as I did two and a half years ago when I left Virginia and moved onto Isabella. I'm tired of feeling lost and abandoned. I want to be found.

Friendship

I had coffee with an old friend today. A friend that I once shared a zip code with for one glorious year, and now have to rest knowing he is quite far away in the Pacific Northwest. It was a wonderful time of laughing and conversation. I have not felt so challenged in quite some time. He let me ramble about the oddities of life right now, and called me out in areas that I need to be prodded in. He also, with quiet firmness, assured me of my areas of strength. I almost cried in the middle of starbucks as this man, this good friend, listed the desires of my heart that he sees in me. Desires and hopes that I had somehow lost, or quieted in the busyness of life.
As I drove home reflecting on our time together, I can't help but grin as I think about our friendship. He has grown into such an adult; a wise old man. I marvel at who he now is and where we came from. I planned the coffee date to check in on his life; try and be a listening ear. Turns out, he just became the therapist Kari suggested. So while a countryside generally seperates us, I can't wait until Monday when I see him again. Because I think I want to be the girl he sees in me.

Stress

I finished my first real day of teaching and I'm ready for a day off. It's not even the actual job so much as random life stress and a lack of sleep. I seemed to have misplaced my wallet. Sad only because I'd have to buy a new one as well as replace my license. Also sad because Areal is no longer made and I had an unused 10 day Disney pass in there. I also lost a jacket that a close friend bought me after I complimented his.

In the midst of not falling asleep tonight, I realized where the jacket was. I only hope that will happen for my wallet tomorrow. I'm not ready to lose areal just yet.

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Nashvegas

I spent the weekend in Nashville with a friend. It may be one of the most entertaining cities in so many ways. I love the laid back feeling, despite the actual city, the resonates through Nashville. While I sometimes feel a bit unfashionable, I adore the style of those that live within the city limits. Kari and I couldn't help laughing at times; picking out people we were positive were going to be famous singers. Above all, it's an amazing city to just bop around. There's plenty to do and see and enjoy. At the same time, there are a plethora of places to just hang out and write or read.

Today, at the tail end of our adventure, we had breakfast with an old friend of mine. Despite not having seen each other in quite some time (I estimate six years), it was relaxing to sit and chat about what life looks like now. It was great to just listen to him and Kari converse and remember why we're friends. Sometimes, I get frustrated at friendships lost, but it is always fun to see a friend that you thought might be at that stage and just laugh at all your memories. Because it's crazy to think that we met when I was in middle school. It's even more weird to think about how much easier our friendship would have been these days with the ease of communication, but in the olden days, we had to work for it. I'm glad, that something like eleven years ago, we met and became friends. And that somehow, through the years, we kept it up.

Calm

This is the calm after the storm. I just spent two and a half months teaching middle school. If that is not a storm, I'm not sure what is. But now that is over and I get to bop around for a month before teaching 10th grade. Life is good. Still exhausting, but manageable. Also, hopeful. I have some ideas for summer and am hopeful about finding a real teaching job for next year. The experience from this year will help a lot.

This is the calm after the storm. And I know there are more storms to come, but I am hopeful. And for that, I am grateful.

Nostalgia

I sat at the Finneytown chorus concert tonight with my high school best friend and reflected on how much I loved high school. I had amazing friends in high school. I got to participate in a million different activities. I was the cheerleading captain one night and the star of the musical the next.

Sometimes I sit in the same classrooms I was in, and try to pick out which of my friends are like the kids there now. I have an Adam Stein; he was an easy one to identify. A Nick Judge and an Eric Smith. I've found Jenna and myself. It's funny because while I love my life now, there was just something so simplistic about high school that you never really appreciate while you're there. Your friends are just there every day. You have more activities to choose from than you could ever need. The pressures of homework are nothing compared to real job anxiety. Little did we know; little did we believe.

More disheartening then the realization that I started high school ten years ago, is watching the kids in the high school now and the choices they make. I don't understand them. (Granted, my friends made decisions I didn't understand, but that's what happens when you're the naive one.) Why would you risk losing something you love for something that isn't that important? Why would you make rash decisions that could cost you in the long haul? And the worst part is when their parents, so eager to defend their kids, enable the bad decisions.

Where have the good 'ole days gone?

Tired

I'm exhausted. I have run myself ragged and cannot seem to get an escape. Even lounging doesn't diminish the stress of the exhaustion. Yes, stress of the exhaustion. Because there is no end in sight. There's no, well it's only a few more days until the weekend. The weekend is actually the most stressful part.

I'm tired of trying to make people want more. I want to throw up my hands and say fine. Enjoy being miserable when you could have better. Fine. Good luck in life with your I never have to follow up on my commitments philosophy. Fine. But I'm finished. I can't convince you to be respectful or to not be entitled. I can't make you want better.

But I do want better. I want the calm after the storm. But it's not as if there's even a storm. Just a crazy name on the news and no milk at Kroger. Can't I just have better? Can't I just have more?

Life (I hope you enjoy this Jeni)

Jeni has been getting on my case lately about not writing, so here I am. I've been busy with life since I snagged myself the building sub job at Finneytown. I've been teaching/subbing and running around like a crazy person the rest of the time.

I wish I had eloquent words to sum up life as it is right now; that I could tell you I was at peace now that the Lord has given me a place to rest. But that wouldn't be the truth. Of course I'm never satisfied. I always said, just one thing. Pick one thing that I wish I had and then I'll be happy with one thing. Yet here I am, flitting around the high school, hanging out with high school kids without all the work after 3 o'clock, and I find myself restless and unsatisfied.

The growing discomfort of my heart is disconcerting. I'm not sure why it is I can't find rest in what He has provided. Why isn't this enough? More importantly, why wasn't He enough, that even before this job I wasn't satisfied? Why am I in a continual circle of wanting more? Maybe it's because despite my wanting of all these blessings, He is not what I'm seeking first and foremost. And he laid out that that was the order to do it in. (seek ye first the kingdom of God, yada yada.) Apparently no matter how basic He makes it and how easily he lays it out, I struggle not getting things in the order I want.

Hopefully, one day soon, I'll grow up. (because while I'm still mistaken for a middle schooler at least once a week, I am getting old) Maybe, there will come a day when I stop throwing the tantrums that I so despise from my kids, and start taking responsibility for my actions (or inactions/laziness/apathy, whatever you want to call it). Because if I followed the order correctly, I'm pretty sure He would follow through on his part of that promise. Funny thing about God, he can't go back on his word. It's just that true.

Love Walked In

Don't get your hopes up. I wish this was an aptly titled blog about my life too. It's actually the title of the book I'm going to quote. I haven't been very original lately but I have been reading some great stuff. This is a quick snippet that so beautifully describes writing.

Getting the words right mattered, but so did describing his voice when he talked and capturing the feeling that filled her as he spoke and after he spoke. She thought about that word "capture," how it put a writer on par with a fur trapper or big-game hunter, and how it implied that stories were whole and roaming around loose in the world, and a writers job was to catch them. Except of course that a writer didn't kill what she caught, didn't stuff it and hang it on a wall; the point was to keep the stories alive.