I've been talking with Cat recently about fear. I was telling her about how often I have let fear rule my life. It's funny at times, when I think about my fear of consequences, for example. I am terrified of getting in trouble. Therefore, I cried my way out of my only detention. It was freshmen year of high school and in the middle of class, Mr. Wells gave me a detention for talking to Adam. (see, this is all so vivid in my mind) I then proceeded to weep for the rest of class because I had never had a detention before; this was going to be horrible. After class, Mr. Wells told me I had punished myself enough and cancelled my detention. I was pulled over in August for the first time. I was really proud of myself for not crying. Although as soon as the cop walked away from my car it was tears galore for the next half hour.
I think I'm shy when people first meet me because I'm scared of what they will think. I've never actually had the thought "Oh, if I'm myself, they might not like me". But when I think about what makes me shy, and then weeks later, loud and sarcastic, that's the only thing I can think of. Because at that point, they're stuck being my friend; might as well be myself.
And yet, Christ came to set us free. Sure, free from all the sin and judgement. But also, I think he wanted us to live lives without the burden of fear. In fact, I know that to be true. He tells us that time and time again in scripture. He says at one point that it is for freedom that he has set us free. Seems a bit redundant and yet I still can't get it. He didn't set me free from being broken, living a life of sin, hurting myself in an attempt to heal myself so that I could find other ways to "heal myself"...he set me free so that I could be free. Free from the brokenness, the sin, the failed attempts at freedom. He has provided the one real way.
I was talking to a friend tonight about our desire to see and touch God now. It would be so wonderful. I said the hardest part is that we have to keep pursuing knowledge of him, knowing it might be a long time before we ever get to touch or see him. Her comment was "Yeah. Christianity is so weird but it keeps me going. I can be struggling mass but for some reason, I still try to teach others about God and stuff." It's interesting how one comment can light such a fire. My response was "It's all because we've gotten a glimpse of him. However small the view or fleeting the moment. You saw him and your life was changed. That's what he does." It's so ironic how easily I see truth in other peoples' lives. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Lord's love for this girl. I know the depths he went to to rescue her and pursue her heart. I know the ways that his heart breaks when she chooses something else that won't fix her, but break her even further. And yet, I can't seem to know that truth in my life. Oh, I know it in my head. That's easy. I've read it and heard it plenty of times. But in my life, the glimpses seem rare. I see him on others' faces as they come to him for a relationship. I see it on their faces when they get excited about doing ministry. I saw it tonight in the tear brimmed eyes of my co-leader affirming the promise that if we choose what is better, it will not be taken from us.
Perhaps one day, I will glimpse, not only his reflection on their faces, but a flash of his face for myself. Until then, I rejoice in the work that he is doing in their lives and pray for more truth in my own heart.
