Same Old

I haven't written much lately. Not only here, but anywhere. I have found myself in a writing dry spell and hadn't even noticed it until last night. I saw my lonely notebook sitting by my bed and decided to pay it a visit. Quickly I remembered, I haven't written much because all of it tends to grow weary when you write the same things over and over again. I have already written about how I feel like I'm in this transitional period that is lasting far longer than any transitional period should. That I'm just waiting for my real life to start; or at least one part of it to fall into place. And with that, I've spelled out life for the past 5 months.

It's weird to think I've been home for just under five months and yet today was quite similar to the second day home. Yesterday, much like the fourth day home. It all almost seems to blend together. I've come up with more interesting things to do than in the beginning (although I still visit the redbox rentals far too often), but life continues to be the same. But more interesting than the fact that my life remains on slow motion, is the odd fact that I haven't been back to Lexington since I left.

I was chatting with Kari the other day about my upcoming visit to Lexington. We both remarked how I hadn't been back. I realized this is the longest I've ever been between visits since before I ever did summer staff. It's been a four year "affair" and I seemed to have walked away cold turkey. Now granted, I've been spoiled by visits. I have had Kari visit twice as well as once with almost the whole gang. But I miss the foggy mornings in the Blue Ridge Mountains. I haven't been able to enjoy my old home since I took the long ride back to Cincinnati.

That all being said, I think I'm going to have to find some time, to sit on those mountains, perhaps by my river, and take up some writing. It might be repetitive but it'll be genuine. The words won't flow elegantly across the page, but slowly the story will be written, life will start moving, and I'll be glad to have those choppy sentences to look back on.

I think it's just over this last bridge

I'm tired of being patient. (even if I've never really been all that good at it to begin with) I am in this odd in between stage of life where nothing is really settled and everything is in the air. In all honesty, there is some excitement and fun in that. Without a full-time job, I can come and go as I please. I have yet to do that, but I could if I wanted to. (and if I could afford all that gas) I have freedom also, because I don't have a house that I need someone to watch. I don't even have an apartment for someone to watch. I have a bed, but that doesn't really need much watching. I also have the freedom of no significant other. If I decided to move to Colorado, I only have to consider Jeni (which is almost worse than a boy; he might actually be okay with living in the Rockies and rafting down the Arkansas) All in all, having things in the air isn't inherently bad.

I think that's where most people stop. They see all the advantages of the freedom. But, crazily enough, I want to grow up. I want to have my own place to allow others to visit and hang out. I want the full time job that I can really go all out for and invest in. I want the boy that expects dinner at night. I think it's just hard because I don't see the freedom in those. And maybe that's a slight nudge that I need to have a change of perspective, but I don't think that those desires are bad. I think that God planted those desires in my heart. The desire to take care of people comes out in every one of those aspects; whether through my hospitality, my teaching, or my loving.

I know that His timing is better than mine. I know that. Sometimes I just don't see it. Sometimes I just want to be a kid again because I want to pout and maybe even yell a little. He's big enough to take that. The only downfall is, much like when we were kids, throwing a tantrum doesn't change the outcome. It just leaves you with a wet face and a sore throat.