I want so much more for my life. so much more than what I have right now. I feel abandoned half way through my training and yet I still don't know what I'm training for. I'm a half creation. And with only half, how can you ever be what you were intended to be. I watch movies and listen to musical scores and dream of a life that is adventurous and epic. I want to be bold and change the world and impact people and live a life worth writing about. Instead the eloquent thoughts in my head are only there to narrate the mundane. The trivial ramblings of a half creation. i can't help but feel as if I will always be this way. You see, I've felt this way for a few years now. I'm not sure I have ever figured out a way to express it before now, but it doesn't make the past any less valid or true. I seem to have been cut off a few years ago from the woman I was to become. Instead I wallow in this purgatory, unable to leave; unable to become the bold and adventurous woman that I dream about in the night. She is brash and bold; she takes no prisoners, and always speaks the truth. I was told today that I am a loving and tender hearted woman who wants to invest in people and hear their stories. Is that the end product? Or is that just who I am and the purpose for those traits hasn't yet been revealed? I want to listen to epic scores and not feel a hollow ache in my chest; I want instead to feel a sense of belonging. As if that music is my personal soundtrack. I want adventure and purpose. Instead, despite the settling of details, or the accepting of "adult" life, I still feel as lost as I did two and a half years ago when I left Virginia and moved onto Isabella. I'm tired of feeling lost and abandoned. I want to be found.

Friendship

I had coffee with an old friend today. A friend that I once shared a zip code with for one glorious year, and now have to rest knowing he is quite far away in the Pacific Northwest. It was a wonderful time of laughing and conversation. I have not felt so challenged in quite some time. He let me ramble about the oddities of life right now, and called me out in areas that I need to be prodded in. He also, with quiet firmness, assured me of my areas of strength. I almost cried in the middle of starbucks as this man, this good friend, listed the desires of my heart that he sees in me. Desires and hopes that I had somehow lost, or quieted in the busyness of life.
As I drove home reflecting on our time together, I can't help but grin as I think about our friendship. He has grown into such an adult; a wise old man. I marvel at who he now is and where we came from. I planned the coffee date to check in on his life; try and be a listening ear. Turns out, he just became the therapist Kari suggested. So while a countryside generally seperates us, I can't wait until Monday when I see him again. Because I think I want to be the girl he sees in me.

Stress

I finished my first real day of teaching and I'm ready for a day off. It's not even the actual job so much as random life stress and a lack of sleep. I seemed to have misplaced my wallet. Sad only because I'd have to buy a new one as well as replace my license. Also sad because Areal is no longer made and I had an unused 10 day Disney pass in there. I also lost a jacket that a close friend bought me after I complimented his.

In the midst of not falling asleep tonight, I realized where the jacket was. I only hope that will happen for my wallet tomorrow. I'm not ready to lose areal just yet.

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Nashvegas

I spent the weekend in Nashville with a friend. It may be one of the most entertaining cities in so many ways. I love the laid back feeling, despite the actual city, the resonates through Nashville. While I sometimes feel a bit unfashionable, I adore the style of those that live within the city limits. Kari and I couldn't help laughing at times; picking out people we were positive were going to be famous singers. Above all, it's an amazing city to just bop around. There's plenty to do and see and enjoy. At the same time, there are a plethora of places to just hang out and write or read.

Today, at the tail end of our adventure, we had breakfast with an old friend of mine. Despite not having seen each other in quite some time (I estimate six years), it was relaxing to sit and chat about what life looks like now. It was great to just listen to him and Kari converse and remember why we're friends. Sometimes, I get frustrated at friendships lost, but it is always fun to see a friend that you thought might be at that stage and just laugh at all your memories. Because it's crazy to think that we met when I was in middle school. It's even more weird to think about how much easier our friendship would have been these days with the ease of communication, but in the olden days, we had to work for it. I'm glad, that something like eleven years ago, we met and became friends. And that somehow, through the years, we kept it up.

Calm

This is the calm after the storm. I just spent two and a half months teaching middle school. If that is not a storm, I'm not sure what is. But now that is over and I get to bop around for a month before teaching 10th grade. Life is good. Still exhausting, but manageable. Also, hopeful. I have some ideas for summer and am hopeful about finding a real teaching job for next year. The experience from this year will help a lot.

This is the calm after the storm. And I know there are more storms to come, but I am hopeful. And for that, I am grateful.