I want so much more for my life. so much more than what I have right now. I feel abandoned half way through my training and yet I still don't know what I'm training for. I'm a half creation. And with only half, how can you ever be what you were intended to be. I watch movies and listen to musical scores and dream of a life that is adventurous and epic. I want to be bold and change the world and impact people and live a life worth writing about. Instead the eloquent thoughts in my head are only there to narrate the mundane. The trivial ramblings of a half creation. i can't help but feel as if I will always be this way. You see, I've felt this way for a few years now. I'm not sure I have ever figured out a way to express it before now, but it doesn't make the past any less valid or true. I seem to have been cut off a few years ago from the woman I was to become. Instead I wallow in this purgatory, unable to leave; unable to become the bold and adventurous woman that I dream about in the night. She is brash and bold; she takes no prisoners, and always speaks the truth. I was told today that I am a loving and tender hearted woman who wants to invest in people and hear their stories. Is that the end product? Or is that just who I am and the purpose for those traits hasn't yet been revealed? I want to listen to epic scores and not feel a hollow ache in my chest; I want instead to feel a sense of belonging. As if that music is my personal soundtrack. I want adventure and purpose. Instead, despite the settling of details, or the accepting of "adult" life, I still feel as lost as I did two and a half years ago when I left Virginia and moved onto Isabella. I'm tired of feeling lost and abandoned. I want to be found.

Friendship

I had coffee with an old friend today. A friend that I once shared a zip code with for one glorious year, and now have to rest knowing he is quite far away in the Pacific Northwest. It was a wonderful time of laughing and conversation. I have not felt so challenged in quite some time. He let me ramble about the oddities of life right now, and called me out in areas that I need to be prodded in. He also, with quiet firmness, assured me of my areas of strength. I almost cried in the middle of starbucks as this man, this good friend, listed the desires of my heart that he sees in me. Desires and hopes that I had somehow lost, or quieted in the busyness of life.
As I drove home reflecting on our time together, I can't help but grin as I think about our friendship. He has grown into such an adult; a wise old man. I marvel at who he now is and where we came from. I planned the coffee date to check in on his life; try and be a listening ear. Turns out, he just became the therapist Kari suggested. So while a countryside generally seperates us, I can't wait until Monday when I see him again. Because I think I want to be the girl he sees in me.