I'm tired of being patient. (even if I've never really been all that good at it to begin with) I am in this odd in between stage of life where nothing is really settled and everything is in the air. In all honesty, there is some excitement and fun in that. Without a full-time job, I can come and go as I please. I have yet to do that, but I could if I wanted to. (and if I could afford all that gas) I have freedom also, because I don't have a house that I need someone to watch. I don't even have an apartment for someone to watch. I have a bed, but that doesn't really need much watching. I also have the freedom of no significant other. If I decided to move to Colorado, I only have to consider Jeni (which is almost worse than a boy; he might actually be okay with living in the Rockies and rafting down the Arkansas) All in all, having things in the air isn't inherently bad.
I think that's where most people stop. They see all the advantages of the freedom. But, crazily enough, I want to grow up. I want to have my own place to allow others to visit and hang out. I want the full time job that I can really go all out for and invest in. I want the boy that expects dinner at night. I think it's just hard because I don't see the freedom in those. And maybe that's a slight nudge that I need to have a change of perspective, but I don't think that those desires are bad. I think that God planted those desires in my heart. The desire to take care of people comes out in every one of those aspects; whether through my hospitality, my teaching, or my loving.
I know that His timing is better than mine. I know that. Sometimes I just don't see it. Sometimes I just want to be a kid again because I want to pout and maybe even yell a little. He's big enough to take that. The only downfall is, much like when we were kids, throwing a tantrum doesn't change the outcome. It just leaves you with a wet face and a sore throat.
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