You see, the past four and a half years have been heartbreakingly brutal at times; the rest of the time, just plain brutal. There was little stability outside of God and family. Jobs, homes; these were fairly fluid and transient through this time. So I waited, with frustration most of the time, for God to step in and make his plans clear. There's no way you've spent any time on this blog...ever.. and not noticed that I have been asking and begging for him to shout out plans for our adventure. He never did. Even these plans for Oregon. It's as if I was playing a marco/polo game without knowing it. I would try to move one way, and his voice came from somewhere else. So I'd do something else, and his voice came from somewhere else. When I was almost positive I had finally gotten it right, his voice came from somewhere else. And all signs pointed to Oregon.
So I packed my bags, loaded my stuff (and my mom) in the car, and drove across these great states to find the adventure and peace I had begged the Lord for for so many years. I was terrified with his answer; don't get me wrong. I wasn't running full speed here. There was definitely a fair share of feet dragging. I have wonderful friends that live in Cincinnati. When I say wonderful, I am not putting that mildly. And they came out of the woodwork to go over the top in my last month there. And my family. Well, if you know me at all, you know my heart for those four people. (not to mention the like 20 others that all resided within almost 20 minutes of me.) Making the move was not a comfortable decision, but gosh was it easy.
Because I don't pray for open doors. Do you know how many could open at once? And how ambiguous that would be? We are a family of indecisive people, so I have always craved decisiveness. I wanted the Lord to make the decision and be very clear with what he wants. So I pray for closed doors. What he doesn't want for me, cut off the option. Fill the posting with someone else, marry him off to another girl, do what you will, but close the door if it's not your will. That's what I ask. And while it is a painful undertaking, because he is more than willing to answer our prayers, it is so good when something is left open. When my "last resort" is available. When that same "last resort" calls with a job offer. He was decisive. And he had heard my cry for adventure, for joy in my job, for a sense of mission, for community, for grandeur.
If you're still with me, let me leave you with this: The Lord is faithful. When I look at the things that I wanted, the doors that closed, I am grateful. Because I was looking for satisfaction and identity in those things. He knew all too well how miserable they would make me. But in the midst of the sludge that was these past four and a half years, all I could seem to pray for was him to make himself known. And when you are broken for an extended period of time, he is all there is. He is the only place to find satisfaction, literally. He is the only source of identity, truly. There are no facades to hide behind in brokenness. And he wept with me in that brokenness. But he also wept while knowing how that brokenness would change me. How it would allow him to mold and shape me differently so that I will stop chasing the things that don't matter. So that I'm not chasing adventure for adventure's sake, but because life with the Lord is adventure. Whether that's at the ranch or in a city. So that I'm not chasing satisfaction in a job, but in him. And being with him and serving him is satisfying. Not because people like my cooking (although I am sinful and my pride is wounded when they don't) but because I know that the gospel is preached through that kitchen.
All that to say, Oregon is good. The Lord is good. Lean in to him. He does not guarantee us safety or comfort, but dangit, he is good. Since I've got no good closer for you, I'll let CS Lewis do it with one of my favorite lines from Narnia.
"Safe?" Said Mr. Beaver, "Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
And just incase you're so inclined:
Amanda Stegman
1 Muddy Road
Antelope, Oregon 97001
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