The Longest Nine Short Weeks

Today marks the first day of the last quarter. I have 9 weeks of school left in my first year of teaching. And just like when I was a student, it is going by all too fast and all too slow. I could not have had a better orientation to the teaching profession than I have had this past year. Between the people I work with and the kids I get to invest in, this has been wonderful; challenging but wonderful. I have had days when I sit in my chair at the dismissal bells and marvel at how wonderful this profession is. On the other hand, there have been days that I would not relive again for all the money in the world.

All this to say, I have nine weeks with these students. Sure, some of them (Molly) I will never "get rid of". We have already planned wonderful travels for all of her graduations. But there are other students that I have for the next nine weeks and that is it. That is the mindset that I am trying to keep when they are driving me up a wall; all I get are these next nine weeks. Any vision or hope I can speak into their lives, I better do it now. Encouragement I want to give them, confidence I can build up, all of that has to be done now. I don't get a second chance with them. So tomorrow, when I feel like I did in fifth bell and I want to kick half of the class out, I will attempt instead to pull kids aside and cast vision for what school could be. I know, that sounds so nerdy. But, for some of my students, it could be the one time that someone stops yelling and instead invests, speaks vision, and calls them to more and better. And that could make these nine weeks priceless.

A Team Training

There is something to the air in Virginia that makes it easier to breathe. Something about the blue of the mountains that makes the stress fade away. I was just able to spend three days in Virginia with some of my favorite people in the world. I was able to bask in the love of those people. There is very little that I needed more this week than that. To share my life with friends and family, to be encouraged in the ministry, to prepare for what is to come this summer.

I can't help but look at these mountains (that I sadly did not get to hike this trip) and see how great my God is. It is at times like that, even if it is just a picture, that I am reassured of my future. What it entails, well I don't know that. But I do know that it will be something designed to glorify him, and I can't say I've ever been angry about that.

Corbin, KY

I met a boy when I was about 13. He almost mowed down a woman trying to walk backwards to see me and my friends. I was a goner.
Through the years, we have somehow managed to stay in touch. Despite the fact that we once scheduled IM "dates" and had to buy long-distance phone cards, we kept up. The four hour drive, sometimes shorter although now longer, didn't keep us from meeting up. And now, roughly 13 years later, we are still friends. And on top of that, he has grown up to be an amazing man who loves the Lord. He took time today, in the midst of his chaos, to comfort and reassure me. That is the kind of friend that everyone wants, but we can rarely find. One who, in the middle of their own storms, step away to speak calm truth into ours. I'm glad that I have this friend. I'm glad that as an immature 13 year old girl, I somehow spotted a boy who would turn into this kind of man.

Swear not by the moon, the inconstant moon

My kids and I are reading Shakespeares "Romeo & Juliet". We've just finished the balcony scene where Juliet asks Romeo not to swear by the moon because it is inconstant, lest his love prove likewise.

So when I turned out the lights tonight, I couldn't help but stare out the moon shining in my window. It's a bit less than a half moon and while I marveled at how insightful Shakespeares character was, I also marveled at the moon itself.

You see, while I'm not a science person, it fascinates me that we see the moon because of the sun. It's only because the sun reflects it's light off the moon that we even see this rock in the sky. How similar it is to think about my relationship with Christ; especially in ministry. I have no light source of my own to offer anyone. Nothing I do would ever make me better or more useful. It is only when Christ reflects off of me that I give people light. Imagine a night with a full moon. That's a lot of light; which really means that's a lot of reflecting. Those tiny sliver nights though, that's usually what I'm like. How wonderful it would be if every day was a full moon kind of day.

I want so much more for my life. so much more than what I have right now. I feel abandoned half way through my training and yet I still don't know what I'm training for. I'm a half creation. And with only half, how can you ever be what you were intended to be. I watch movies and listen to musical scores and dream of a life that is adventurous and epic. I want to be bold and change the world and impact people and live a life worth writing about. Instead the eloquent thoughts in my head are only there to narrate the mundane. The trivial ramblings of a half creation. i can't help but feel as if I will always be this way. You see, I've felt this way for a few years now. I'm not sure I have ever figured out a way to express it before now, but it doesn't make the past any less valid or true. I seem to have been cut off a few years ago from the woman I was to become. Instead I wallow in this purgatory, unable to leave; unable to become the bold and adventurous woman that I dream about in the night. She is brash and bold; she takes no prisoners, and always speaks the truth. I was told today that I am a loving and tender hearted woman who wants to invest in people and hear their stories. Is that the end product? Or is that just who I am and the purpose for those traits hasn't yet been revealed? I want to listen to epic scores and not feel a hollow ache in my chest; I want instead to feel a sense of belonging. As if that music is my personal soundtrack. I want adventure and purpose. Instead, despite the settling of details, or the accepting of "adult" life, I still feel as lost as I did two and a half years ago when I left Virginia and moved onto Isabella. I'm tired of feeling lost and abandoned. I want to be found.

Friendship

I had coffee with an old friend today. A friend that I once shared a zip code with for one glorious year, and now have to rest knowing he is quite far away in the Pacific Northwest. It was a wonderful time of laughing and conversation. I have not felt so challenged in quite some time. He let me ramble about the oddities of life right now, and called me out in areas that I need to be prodded in. He also, with quiet firmness, assured me of my areas of strength. I almost cried in the middle of starbucks as this man, this good friend, listed the desires of my heart that he sees in me. Desires and hopes that I had somehow lost, or quieted in the busyness of life.
As I drove home reflecting on our time together, I can't help but grin as I think about our friendship. He has grown into such an adult; a wise old man. I marvel at who he now is and where we came from. I planned the coffee date to check in on his life; try and be a listening ear. Turns out, he just became the therapist Kari suggested. So while a countryside generally seperates us, I can't wait until Monday when I see him again. Because I think I want to be the girl he sees in me.

Stress

I finished my first real day of teaching and I'm ready for a day off. It's not even the actual job so much as random life stress and a lack of sleep. I seemed to have misplaced my wallet. Sad only because I'd have to buy a new one as well as replace my license. Also sad because Areal is no longer made and I had an unused 10 day Disney pass in there. I also lost a jacket that a close friend bought me after I complimented his.

In the midst of not falling asleep tonight, I realized where the jacket was. I only hope that will happen for my wallet tomorrow. I'm not ready to lose areal just yet.

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Nashvegas

I spent the weekend in Nashville with a friend. It may be one of the most entertaining cities in so many ways. I love the laid back feeling, despite the actual city, the resonates through Nashville. While I sometimes feel a bit unfashionable, I adore the style of those that live within the city limits. Kari and I couldn't help laughing at times; picking out people we were positive were going to be famous singers. Above all, it's an amazing city to just bop around. There's plenty to do and see and enjoy. At the same time, there are a plethora of places to just hang out and write or read.

Today, at the tail end of our adventure, we had breakfast with an old friend of mine. Despite not having seen each other in quite some time (I estimate six years), it was relaxing to sit and chat about what life looks like now. It was great to just listen to him and Kari converse and remember why we're friends. Sometimes, I get frustrated at friendships lost, but it is always fun to see a friend that you thought might be at that stage and just laugh at all your memories. Because it's crazy to think that we met when I was in middle school. It's even more weird to think about how much easier our friendship would have been these days with the ease of communication, but in the olden days, we had to work for it. I'm glad, that something like eleven years ago, we met and became friends. And that somehow, through the years, we kept it up.

Calm

This is the calm after the storm. I just spent two and a half months teaching middle school. If that is not a storm, I'm not sure what is. But now that is over and I get to bop around for a month before teaching 10th grade. Life is good. Still exhausting, but manageable. Also, hopeful. I have some ideas for summer and am hopeful about finding a real teaching job for next year. The experience from this year will help a lot.

This is the calm after the storm. And I know there are more storms to come, but I am hopeful. And for that, I am grateful.