The Power of Freedom

I've been talking with Cat recently about fear. I was telling her about how often I have let fear rule my life. It's funny at times, when I think about my fear of consequences, for example. I am terrified of getting in trouble. Therefore, I cried my way out of my only detention. It was freshmen year of high school and in the middle of class, Mr. Wells gave me a detention for talking to Adam. (see, this is all so vivid in my mind) I then proceeded to weep for the rest of class because I had never had a detention before; this was going to be horrible. After class, Mr. Wells told me I had punished myself enough and cancelled my detention. I was pulled over in August for the first time. I was really proud of myself for not crying. Although as soon as the cop walked away from my car it was tears galore for the next half hour.

I think I'm shy when people first meet me because I'm scared of what they will think. I've never actually had the thought "Oh, if I'm myself, they might not like me". But when I think about what makes me shy, and then weeks later, loud and sarcastic, that's the only thing I can think of. Because at that point, they're stuck being my friend; might as well be myself.

And yet, Christ came to set us free. Sure, free from all the sin and judgement. But also, I think he wanted us to live lives without the burden of fear. In fact, I know that to be true. He tells us that time and time again in scripture. He says at one point that it is for freedom that he has set us free. Seems a bit redundant and yet I still can't get it. He didn't set me free from being broken, living a life of sin, hurting myself in an attempt to heal myself so that I could find other ways to "heal myself"...he set me free so that I could be free. Free from the brokenness, the sin, the failed attempts at freedom. He has provided the one real way.

I was talking to a friend tonight about our desire to see and touch God now. It would be so wonderful. I said the hardest part is that we have to keep pursuing knowledge of him, knowing it might be a long time before we ever get to touch or see him. Her comment was "Yeah. Christianity is so weird but it keeps me going. I can be struggling mass but for some reason, I still try to teach others about God and stuff." It's interesting how one comment can light such a fire. My response was "It's all because we've gotten a glimpse of him. However small the view or fleeting the moment. You saw him and your life was changed. That's what he does." It's so ironic how easily I see truth in other peoples' lives. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the Lord's love for this girl. I know the depths he went to to rescue her and pursue her heart. I know the ways that his heart breaks when she chooses something else that won't fix her, but break her even further. And yet, I can't seem to know that truth in my life. Oh, I know it in my head. That's easy. I've read it and heard it plenty of times. But in my life, the glimpses seem rare. I see him on others' faces as they come to him for a relationship. I see it on their faces when they get excited about doing ministry. I saw it tonight in the tear brimmed eyes of my co-leader affirming the promise that if we choose what is better, it will not be taken from us.

Perhaps one day, I will glimpse, not only his reflection on their faces, but a flash of his face for myself. Until then, I rejoice in the work that he is doing in their lives and pray for more truth in my own heart.

Fill in the Blank

*a fun fact before I start..if you type in the first letter it gives you old titles of your blogs. i was tempted to name this farewell cookies, but I didn't.

These girls are some of my favorite people in the world. The boys, not pictured, round out a good amount of that group as well. I had a marvelous thanksgiving because I got to hang out with the people that supported me and loved me well when I lived in Virginia. Moving away from Cincinnati and getting my first "adult" job was a huge move for me. (They can all account for this because I had numerous nights where I cried for no apparent reason.) Yet despite it all, living far away from home, cleaning toilets for a living, having the cat I actually liked shipped to Kentucky while satan lived on until the day I left, these people loved me. They fought for my best interest, they invested in my well being, they stopped talking so I could start the show over again.

I knew I hadn't written in awhile so thought I would see what was going on here at blogger. I was reading Kari and Matt's blogs, hoping to hear wonderful things about the city I love. (the majority of the gang was up here over thanksgiving) Listening to them talk about the time and the people prompted me to contribute from my angle. They all spent the weekend together in my hometown. I am here all the time though and got to encounter our fellowship on my turf. Let me just say, it's just as wonderful here as it is all those miles away in the blue ridge mountains. I miss what I had. I was talking to Leah this week and mentioned that I hadn't really felt the loss of those loves until this past weekend. Sure, I knew I missed house dinners, writing things that brought me joy like red leotards, and sitting on the kitchen island pouring out my heart to my roommates, but I hadn't really felt that aching loss until now.

I think the joy comes in knowing that while they live far away, they will never change. (at least not in a bad way) They will love me well despite the distance. They will write snarky comments on my wall, they will leave me songs on my birthday, and they will visit me. If anything, the distance has allowed me to see just how well they love me. And I now truly see how much I love them.

Things I know I love

I know. If you've ever even met me, this is not a surprising fact, but I can't really have a blog titled "Things I know I love" and then not include it. So, I love Chipotle. I love that I can walk to Chipotle. I can also go easily when I'm in Finneytown. I can basically go daily (if I had that kind of money). And it's just good food. (and as Jenna pointed out the other night on the phone, our lives kind of revolve around meals)


I thought I'd surprise you with this one. I really have an affection for these kids. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's just the emotional sap in me that thinks it's about a lot more than football. (I'll give you the schpeal if you really want it.) So, without boring you anymore, I KNOW that I love the Bengals.



Well, this is something I know I would love. Living in a state where no one campaigns. I cannot stand another day of campaigning. I am ready to stay at the farm for the next two weeks until this whole mess is over and I no longer have to listen. The interesting part is how much these commercials sound like the campaign speeches of fourth grade where candidates would promise to get pepsi in the drinking fountains. (I'm not sure how it worked out for them in your school, but Whitaker's water fountains to this day only serve water. Lying politicians.)


My job at the wonderful innovative joyness. Not only is it fun to be around fun products all day (And the free tshirts), but I get to meet cute old men from England, a funny man from Brazil, and I may have helped Jeff Rowe. (for those of you that aren't so enthusiastic about my love #2, he used to be our #3 before baby Palmer, now he's on the practice squad. Also, Chad, Shayne, and Frostee were in the store.) Lets just say this job may have some perks.


These kids for giving me a home and much needed entertainment. While I figured it would be a quick jaunt into poorness, they were prepared for the long haul. (it may be rough on the pride, but it is heavy on the fun.)


And last but not least, for those of you still reading (congrats, thank you, way to be a real friend) my costume for costume club on monday. What better to wear to finneytown young life than a Finneytown cheerleading uniform from 5 years ago? I can't think of a single thing.


ps. i'm pretty sure if john and i ever met, we'd both know it was love.... just saying.

Love Beyond Reason

(I'm going to jump into the a chapter of John Ortberg in which he's talking about the leper healed in Mark)

"The law said, 'Don't touch.' The Gospels are full of stories about people who sought to touch Jesus: little children, the woman suffering from hemorrhages who desperately grasped the hem of his garment, the prostitute who anointed Jesus' feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair, and doubting Thomas, who demanded to feel Jesus' wounds with his own hands.
Unlike all of these, the leper made no attempt to touch Jesus. The leper understood the situation. He knew the law.
But notice what Jesus did: 'Moved by compassion, Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, and said to him, 'I do choose. Be made clean!''
Jesus touched the leper before he healed him. He touched the leper while the leper was still unclean. This would have scandalized anyone who watched. To toucha leper was to be regarded as unclean yourself. This was a great miracle. This is God, who, after all, made the law, breaking his own law, for the sake of humanity. Jesus did not need to touch the leper to cleanse him. He performed other miracles at a distance; all he had to do was say the word. The word healed his body, but the touch healed his soul. But Jesus wanted something understood.
The miracle of the touch is that Jesus was willing to share another person's suffering in order to bring about healing. This is a foreshadowing of the cross: Jesus taking on our sin so that we could take on his life. By his stripes we are healed.
In a contagious world, we learn to keep our distance. If we get too close to those who are suffering, we might get infected by their pain. It may not be convenient or comfortable. But only when you get close enough to catch their hurt will they be close enough to catch your love."

He later quotes C.S. Lewis and it's beautiful so you get both for the price of one.

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket-safe, dark, motionless, airless-it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

Encouragement

Oh, despite the fact that life isn't too different, I feel like so much has happened since the 5th. I start, for real, my job on Tuesday. I will actually get to help people realize the joy of Apple (and get paid for it). I'm pretty excited about this. I was in the store the other day (because my dog is a ruiner of love, or the iphone...maybe one in the same..?) and a friend who leads in my area was in debating about the new macbook. (which is extremely hot in pictures, pure love in person) I walked away to go back to Kari (my sister who was in town..friend-sister..who knows?) and then later saw her leaving with it. I wanted to start clapping. I knew she would love how easy it makes everything. And who can look past how amazingly cool she'll look with it when she's sitting in the library writing papers.

I also can start booking sub jobs this week. That might be where I'm most excited. I love Apple and all, but high school kids...call me crazy but I love 'em. There's just something about it. Maybe I never outgrew it, but I'm pretty sure it's just because they're real. (You're thinking, why Mandy, of course they're real. They don't fill high schools with mannequins. Don't worry I know this.) They aren't afraid to tell you the truth; even if that means sharing crappy stuff about their life. And to think, I could get paid to hang out with them and make them like school. Call me even more crazy, but that's pretty exciting too.

Also, we all know the feeling when someone you love, loves something you love. I have always known about Matty's love for cincinnati. (Although it was nice to be reminded on his post about the joy it brings him). I love how excited he gets to visit and how much he makes me appreciate all of the greatness of my city. I guess for some reason, I just didn't think Kari would have quite the same reaction. Little did I know. Kari and I had a ridiculous good time while she was here. I showed her my favorite restaurants, we cruised downtown, I showed her my life. It was all and all a perfect visit. (okay minus Tay.)

All that to say, I'm encouraged. In life, in ministry, in friendships. (And in the fact that thanks to sara and I, fleafest '08 has come to an end.) The Lord is good. He holds us up and places our brothers and sisters around us. He provides for every need. So I am encouraged, and excited. Excited to start work both at Apple and Finneytown. I'm excited for fall weekend. I'm excited for the Thanksgiving invasion from Virginia. I'm excited about the Nouwen that Kolia is having me read. Be encouraged, and get excited. (even if today's loss to the steelers was a particularly painful one.)

Redemption

Despite my sadness over Kenny Watson being released, I am excited for Chris Henry to be activated this week onto the 53 man roster. You might be rolling your eyes and frowning at your computer. I'm okay with that. There are a few reasons I am excited he's back and a few generally exciting things about the entire situation.

I am excited because Chris Henry is an excellent player. If you watched him in the 2005 season, this man was on fire. His height gives him an advantage and he knows how to use it. In the following seasons, I will give you that he was timid. He took a big hit in that playoff game of '05, and sometimes seemed hesitant to allow himself to get into the same situation. That being said, he is a very talented football player. I am also excited for him as a person. I don't know much about his personal life, but I can tell you a few things I learned from my mom having lunch with Nancy. Chris, at a moderately young age, became a highly paid professional athlete. Following Katrina, he welcomed a large amount of family into his Northern Kentucky home. I don't know how many people, how long they stayed, or many details at all to be frank, but I know he took them in. And as a 20 something individual, I can relate that that could be hard and overwhelming. Now, do I think those are good excuses? No. But I think that taken in context, we might better understand him.

Okay, situation in general. Who doesn't love a story of redemption? This kid lost it all. He had his dream, he made mistakes, he kept it, he made mistakes, he kept it, he made mistakes, he lost it. In a way, there could have been a part of him that just expected one more chance. He hadn't really felt the effects of his actions until this point. And all of a sudden, he spends a good period of time with nothing. No phone calls from interested teams, no contract, and no ability to play for that matter. And just as easily and as freely given as the grace we receive, he got the phone call he had only hoped would come. In an interview this year, one that I of course cannot find, Mike Brown talked about the struggles with Chris Henry. (Pre-release) He made the statement that some people just look for the redemptive quality in people, and he couldn't help but be one of those people. Whether that's because of his belief in Christ, or just his innate desire for Christ, I don't know. But I do know that I'm happy he's our owner.

Good, Bad. I'm happy that our owner doesn't give up on people. I'm happy that he desires to see the best in them and wants what is best for them; even when that's not the popular decision. Because who doesn't love a story of redemption?

One down, one to go.

I have a job. Sigh of relief. While it's not full time, it's a job. One that pays well, is challenging, and seems like it's going to be a whole LOT OF fun. Tomorrow, I turn in all my paperwork to begin substitute teaching in the Finneytown district. At the same time, I'll be finding out if they're possibly hiring another building substitute. While not ideal in the sense that it's a "real job" (year round pay, with benefits), it gives me a job every school day and it gets me back into a school.

I had lunch at Lakota today and my heart ached to be in a classroom again. I knew I wanted to do it. I searched for teaching jobs all summer. They didn't work out. I looked for other jobs. But walking back into that classroom where I taught for three months, I just longed to have a class full of kids in there. I wanted to coax them into enjoying poetry, explore settings with them, augh!, just everything that I got to do in those three months that made it all so worth it.

So maybe tomorrow, that journey will begin again. And maybe I will continue to wait, patiently..sort of, for the Lord to make his plans clear.

Garbage and Leaves Abound

Despite the fact that I live in Ohio, we got the joy of some of the hurricane yesterday. My mom, a weather addict for those of you who didn't know, called me before we left for the game to forewarn that the forecast included chances of rain, strong winds, and tornados. Now, while most of Cincinnati might not agree, those things would not stop me from going to a game. I love the Bengals far too fiercely to let something small like tornados come between me and my 8 games.

While the game started out quite sunny, and remained fairly hot, the wind picked up a lot during the second quarter. Breezy... not exactly. I have never seen so much garbage swirling in my life. I was hit in the face with more peanut shells than I care to remember. I may or may not have had a drunk high school classmate of mine come down the stairs, screaming at the players in the aisle next to me. (yes, I know, it has nothing to do with the wind, but it was wildly entertaining once I guaranteed Jeni was not going to scold him.) My favorite wind example was the broken down Miller Lite box which flew and landed under a player (mere seconds before the ball was snapped). It was crazy.

That being sad, nothing prepared me for the craziness that was going on outside of the stadium. Cincinnati got winds up to 75 mph. Trees are littering the streets. The billies next door, well their siding flew off the side of their house. (revealing what I think is beautiful brick, but I guess the whole "house falling apart" thing never really makes people excited). I attempted to go on a bike ride around the neighborhood today, only to find numerous streets blocked by police tape because of trees and downed wires. Pandaemonium I tell you.

But sometimes, this can lead to fun. Sally and Seth hung out for awhile before we had to light the candles. Then me and the couple played disney/pixar monopoly by candlelight. (so romantic.) It was probably my favorite night back home. So I guess the wind wasn't so bad after all.

One week in

I'm here. The move is over. The dust has settled, and my feet are firmly planted. Planted on what, though, is in the air.

Don't get me wrong, I've got my foundation on Christ. I mean, with this big move, this life change (yes, even though it's coming back to Cincinnati, it's still a huge life change), I'm floundering for what it is exactly I'm standing on. I continue to be oddly picky and prideful with job choices despite the lack thereof. I still find myself putting all my hope in the mere mention of a job possibility. The second I hear their could be an opening with something I would like to do, I imagine my life. I think about the commute to work, my co-workers, what my day would look like. And then I get the call, the email; whatever means of communication, it's all the same..We're going in a different direction.

I'm here. And yet nothing is really settled.

I found myself reading through the old blogs, laughing to myself that I couldn't seem to keep this going. As I read the words I had written just months ago, I wondered where that girl went. Somehow, in the uncertainty that summer and the move brought, I lost that girl. She was confident. In her abilities which would land her a job that would be glorifying to the Lord. In the Lord, that He would provide that opportunity in His perfect timing. I've been too prideful in my searchings. The confidence I had in those posts didn't disappear when a job opportunity went south. Instead, it bucked up. It clung to the promises of the Lord. So I will write the words again that so convicted me tonight:

i long for the day when i will stop planning for the next stop to arrive. when i will stop searching my bags for a map and instead press my face eagerly against the window awaiting the scenery he has planted for me to enjoy while i ride.

Milestones

I have been thinking a lot lately about the milestones in our lives that we put our hope in. What we're going to do with our lives, where we're going to do it, who we're going to do it with. So often we, at least i do, put hope in these things and promise to make more time for the Lord once these things are settled.

When i finally start my job, my routine will be more normal. I'll make time for the Lord then.
Once I move, I'll finally be settled and will find a church that actually feeds me and gives me fellowship.
When I meet the right person, I'll know what your love is really supposed to look like and will be able to show it to others.

Why don't our hearts think, "my hope is in you. if that means i sit in a box doing nothing in the middle of nowhere with no one and all i have is you, that's enough. sitting in a box alone, praising and worshipping you is enough."

why do we count on plans and hopes instead of living in what he has granted us today in the here and now? i long for the day when i will stop planning for the next stop to arrive. when i will stop searching my bags for a map and instead press my face eagerly against the window awaiting the scenery he has planted for me to enjoy while i ride.

where is home?

It's funny how whenever I talk about Cincinnati, I still call it home. Yet, every time I talk about Lexington, I also call this home. There are so many aspects of home in both places that more and more I feel torn between the two. I've started thinking lately about what life will look like after September, when I'm okay to leave from my housekeeping job. What are my options, where will those lead me?..These questions have been on my mind continuously.

Lexington has more advantages that I can think to list, but especially recently. Since returning from Thailand, I've gotten to spend a lot more time with Kari. (She returned..not me) We have started going to a new church that we both love and we also started going to a new biblestudy in roanoke. Needless to say, we're having fun. Those two things plus the fact that I get to do them with Kari, and what they have helped build in our friendship, are reason enough to stay. Then I could list off the other kids, house dinner, joel's birthday (I mean, how could I leave Sherri?) This has very much become home, and yet it'll always be this place that takes me away from home.

Home has always been Cincinnati. I am not sure I could love a city any more than I do this one. Aside from all of that, my family is there; and as you all know, I am absurdly close with my family. Not only family, but I have some amazing friends there as well, the community just looks different. I wouldn't have spaghetti night on mondays, house dinner with 8 of my friends every tuesday, book study with Lucy on wednesdays...enough said. my life would look very different. fellowship would probably be a bit harder to find. But would having to work for fellowship really be that bad of a thing? wouldn't it be good to practice this before life really hands me a busy schedule?

Home is never far away, I guess, is the moral of the story. I am lucky enough to have two homes. The only time I'm far away is when I'm half way in between (oh charleston, wv), torn between the two places my heart has found rest.

in the air

sometimes life isn't anything like we imagined as kids. when i was a child, i always thought i would meet my husband in high school (or at least college), we would get married the saturday after graduation, i would teach until I started popping out children, and we'd live happily ever after. this is not a joke. i seriously thought this. sure, some ideas changed a bit as I grew up; i wanted foster kids instead of my own, maybe i'd meet him a bit later... i can tell you one thing. i didn't think i'd be 23, single as a 90 calorie pack of fake oreos, and pondering what my career goals for the next 5 years are.

but lets just say God enjoys irony. I have no clue what i'm doing with my life. i am confident, however, that life is on the upswing. i'm growing up in the disappointments that i'm running into. not getting a job opens up the possibilities to send your resume to geoff hobsen with the hope that you might write for bengals.com someday. not getting the job opens up finding a different job in lexington and watching the community change in that way.

i'm not sure i could, in one day, fully flush out all of the opportunities that are now available because i didn't get a job i wanted. funny, that for as many times as i flippantly say it, the Lord truly is sovereign. and as i wrote in my first post, He has always given me everything i need exactly when i need it, even if i don't want it.