Listening To The Call

On Friday night, at leadership, we had a night of prayer and worship.  I am a writer (if you haven't already picked up on that) and so my words come more freely and honestly through my pen than any other medium.  I tend to pray with written words.  I will scribble furiously as my mind speeds through thoughts.  In the midst of my breakdown previously in the week, I have been hearing the Lord. He has pushed me to rely on him regardless of my unbelief.

I came to a place of recognizing that much of my lack of trust stems from lack of depth in our relationship.  How can I trust him when I don't know him? How can I rely on him when I'm not intimately acquainted with his character?  Of course, we have a relationship.  But do I put the appropriate amount of time and effort into the relationship? Probably not.  This should be the relationship that matters most to me.  This should be the one that I spend the most time on, the most effort on. And yet, it's not.  And so I imagine that my grandiose call in life is being neglected by him.  That he has forgotten to step up and call me to my life of adventure.

There may never be a grandiose call on my life like what I want it to look like.  But regardless of my emotions, there is a call on my life.  It doesn't look like a house, a job, a man, or any particular ministry even.  The call on my life is to love and follow him; to abandon all else and be faithful to him and him alone.  Our relationship with Christ is compared to a marriage in the Bible.  How often do I go out on my groom; occupying my night with things that I deem more valuable?  All he asks is that I remain faithful. That I vow to love him above all others.  And in the midst of chasing after him with a single-minded purpose, he allows us to be a part of what he's doing.

The other night, as previously mentioned, I was talking with Anola about the radio silence.  I said that I had felt called to Finneytown all those years ago and then... radio silence.  Her comment was "and look how you have remained faithful to the call".  It isn't me that is faithful though.  He has remained faithful to me and has allowed me to continue to be a part of this ministry.

Even last year, when I thought I would be on the way out after leaving my teaching job, he has called me to remain faithful; to him and to finneytown.  And looking at the kids that I get to call my friends, that I get to do ministry alongside; looking at my teammates who are actively giving their lives away... I wouldn't have it any other way.  Who needs some international adventure when I get to watch kids cross over from death to life?  Not me.