Shouts above the noise

My heart has been so heavy lately. With the burdens of what I want my life to look like verses what it does look like. I just never imagined as a child that it would be like this; and with a tear stained face yesterday, I related that to my mother. Unfortunately, in the midst of my state of "wretchedness", I haven't been able to really hear words of encouragement. They all seem fake and forced.

Late last night, upon arriving home from family dinner, my roommate asked me how my day was. I proceeded to break down into a big ugly cry. We talked about life and what it looks like. I told her how I feel like since being called to Finneytown all those years ago, it has been radio silence. She looked at me and said, "and yet you remained faithful to his call". He's good at humbling me by placing people in my life that will consistently, firmly remind me of his truth.

 So we prayed together; asking that I would actually believe all the promises he has made me. Because one of my biggest struggles recently has been that while he is affirming his truths, the affirmations of the lies are louder. While Anola's graciousness as a roommate reminds me that he provides, working in a mall often makes me feel as if I'm not worth much.

 After many tears and prayers, I went off to my room to go to sleep. Upon climbing into bed, I received a text message from my wonderful coleader Sean. The text preview merely read "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs". He continued writing out isaiah 58:11, but when that appeared on my screen, more ugly tears arrived. Then a quick, out-of-the-blue affirmation from a coworker today. And one of my new favorite friends offered up her place once the rooms gets married.

 It is amazing how sneaky Jesus is. Yesterday, with big ugly tears I said he was silent. I accused him of not speaking loudly enough over the lies. And in 24 hours, he shouted. Numerous times. I will provide. You are worth it to me. You are beautiful. I will meet your needs. I am guiding you; be patient.