A unit of the Mafia

Family. It's one of the few times in our lives, we don't choose the people associated with us. I, in that matter, won the lottery. While my family has its' quirks and we sometimes clash, I love my family. They are, quirks and all, all that one could ever ask for.

My parents are supportive to the nth degree. And they have opportunities to be either way. Sara has always been the child that worked her tail off and earned every grade she got. She continues to work her tail off in her amazing job that was offered to her a year before she graduated. She also works at a marriage to the coolest guy I know (hopefully not the case forever. I like to think I'll like my husband more), and I can honestly say they are one of the best couples. Period. She also has an amazing home that her and said husband always seem to be tinkering with (although some of those things just keep popping up on their own).

I on the other hand, was that annoying kid that never worked for grades, they just came my way. I have floated a bit after college, doing a brief stint in Virginia, now lollygagging around Cincinnati. And yet, they are equally supportive of both of us. They could not possibly love us any more than they already do. Dad is always there for wisdom, prayer and a backrub when you're tired or feeling sick, and random trivia about weird scifi shows. Mom is always there. For anything. Even if that's you left a random paper at home when you drove back up to college in Oxford. She's there 45 minutes later with your paper and lunch at Skyline.

All that being said, I couldn't ask for anything else in a parent. They are everything a person could hope for and ask for. Not only are they this wonderful and giving with Sara and I, but it extends to any of our friends, their friends, their friends' children, any homeless person they can find on the street. More than anything else, they are good at giving themselves away. (not necessarily mom's nickyknackies, but definitely her time and herself)

Luckily for me, that translates to Sara being amazing at it as well. (which also means she married that kind of man). I am continually blessed by Sara and Mike and their willingness, two years into their marriage, to take in the homeless little sister with no job opportunities. I had the message from Mike inviting me to stay here on my phone for two months. I finally had to erase it because I cried every time I listened to it. Not only did they invite me in for this year, but even when I had a plausible job opportunity this summer, Mike suggested I stay another year to save up money.

Nothing in particular prompted this, but I've just been realizing how blessed I am when it comes to my family. They are four amazing people that while two weeks is the vacation limit, I'm glad there's not really a limit. I'm glad that we're all chasing after Christ together. I'm glad that we're in one city, sharing our lives. I'm glad that I get to spend the rest of my life loving and being loved by these four people.

The beginning of peace

I'm not sure how this past week has been different, but suddenly, I'm not stressed or worried about the job (or should I say jobless) situation. No, it's not because new opportunities are popping up endlessly and so I feel secure that something will work out. It's not even that I've got something now that will be an adequate bill payer. I just happened to not stress or feel overwhelmed this week while thinking about said sad situation. I'm not sure if this is me finally learning to trust, or pure apathy (which with me is actually a very good possibility), but either way I'll take it.

Maybe it all goes back to finally enjoying the ride. It's maybe one of my more favorite little ditties I've ever read (and it probably ups it a few spots since I wrote it) but here goes:

why do we count on plans and hopes instead of living in what he has granted us today in the here and now? i long for the day when i will stop planning for the next stop to arrive. when i will stop searching my bags for a map and instead press my face eagerly against the window awaiting the scenery he has planted for me to enjoy while i ride.

And maybe that time is finally here. Maybe, for some odd reason, tomorrow seems far enough away (and harmless enough) that I'm able to just sit back and enjoy the ride until then. I think peace is finally here. And I'll tell you what.. peace is always welcome.

Last one (Lost Entries v.3)

Sevenish hours into an eight hours plan ride that will shortly be followed by a six hour car drive. My legs are actually missing the walking. Who thought that would happen? But as the journey of fun, wonder, and confusion comes to an end, I'll end it at my hearts' home.

I've never been more content not living in Virginia anymore, but it will always be a place that my heart finds true rest. And after all this confusion and frustration, rest will be welcomed. Not rest in the typical sense. I woke up at 630am London time this morning, and probably won't get to sleep until around midnight Virginia time. Twenty-three straight hours will be rough; it'll probably hit me in the last hour of West Virginia.

But at the end of the road is camp. And around thirty Finneytown kids who are going to be hearing the first half of the gospel in about five hours. It's a tough night, BUT the glory of the gospel lies in wait. Tomorrow is the day. It's the day the lazy leader has relied on and it's His chance to be made known. Kids can hear it any day, but there is something sacred about cross talk night at Young Life camp.

It may come from how many people I love that met Christ on that night. He used that night to call everyone else on my team. There are always an awe-inspiring amount of hands up when the question is asked at Leader Weekends. There are exceptions, but most people do ministry with Young Life because it was the ministry he used to reconcile with them. I am constantly in awe of the way he uses this ministry and the way that he allows us to be a part of it. We get the chance to be part of eternity. The kids that we spend time with and lead, they're hearing the gospel. The same gospel that healed the lame, called out the dead, turned Saul into Paul, and gave me grace.

Today is the day they will hear about their fallenness. But tomorrow. Well tomorrow is the day they will hear about what lengths he went to to rescue them. Tomorrow is the day they'll see grace. End of story. And what a sweet story it is.

Lost Entries v.2

It's the last day in London and I found I have journaled very little; despite a constant barrage of thoughts, plans, and emotions. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that this whole vacation has been very fantastical and has only allowed me to entertain more and more unrealistic ideas of the future.

If I struggled being six hours away from my family/home, amidst my best friends, why do I think I would succeed across the ocean by myself? Everything seems fun and easy until I have to rely on the busy, hot tube and have to deal with the constant shoving. I think I get swept up with ideas that within the confines of my life, I wouldn't even think to entertain. I'm so bewildered by my lack of direction that I've started trying to go in every direction. I can't do all those things; I can barely succeed at what I try to do.

I'm sure it's not really true, but I think I'm past the tears now. I'm onto just pure confusion.. and maybe a little anger. It's confusing to think that this plan for my future (that which brings hope) looks like this. I'm finding it hard to hope for much these days. Everything I hope (and subsquently do a wee bit of planning) my hopes fall through. It's never THE plan.

The plan seems to be waiting; constant, relentless, waiting. Getting mediocre versions of my dreams if I get them at all. And I'm surrounded by a great small group who seem to have at least something working out for each of them. I watch their marriages, hear about the ups and downs of their jobs, and visit their homes. I am constantly reminded, without intention, that I am lacking those things. And I know those aren't things that are important in the scheme of the kingdom. I just struggle because I desire them. So much. And they're not bad things to desire. And most of the times (hey, I'm human) I desire them for reasons to further the kingdom.

I want a job at a school so that I can love on kids. I want to make sure they do well so that they can communicate well in their futures. I want them to know that not only is someone rooting for them, but that someone already believes they can do it. I want them to be challenged in their studies and in their lives. I want them to desire more for themselves because it's been communicated that they CAN have been and that they deserve it.

Believe it or not, I don't just want a boy so I can date a boy. I want a husband to love. A man to lead me more towards Christ. I want a godly man that can help me love and minster to my foster kids. I want someone to bicker with, who will challenge me.

I want a home to care for. I want a place that girls know they can crash if they need an ear or a bed. I want them to be able to be cared for well, at ANY time. I want them to see a healthy marriage and what a godly man looks like. I want them to see it's worth waiting for and that it's not okay to settle for a man who doesn't love the Lord.

And I know that I also want all of it for selfish reasons, but those aren't it. I'm just not sure what He's using these years for that he couldn't have done with just one of those things worked out. I continually come back to the feeling of just being lost.

Lost Entries

I had some entries that I prepared while away, across the pond, which never made it onto here in the bustle of Virginia, Ohio, Virginia, Ohio. So as not to deprive you of the joy of reading my innermost thoughts, I will post them both now.

We saw Romeo and Juliet tonight, exactly how it should have looked. Under the London sky, pigeons abounding, minus makeup and microphones, the bard's most loved play tugged at my heart. Because what mere preteens found so easily, I cannot seem to make my way towards; direction.

I feel so unsure about what I'm supposed to do. So unsure and confused. I keep finding myself in situations that I get really excited about and nothing comes of it. I got excited about teaching middle school (I know, right?!) and it didn't happen. I randomly got swept up in the idea of field staff internationally and that's a far distant dream, if I even pursued it.

Sitting in the theater tonight, I am reminded of the joy I had whenever on the stage. The wonder of being so swept up in a character, you become them. Their hurts, betrayals, tears; they're yours too. You weep not as an actress but because your heart is truly broken.

I sat in the theater tonight and had to lag behind so no one would see my tears. These, despite being in a theater, were mine; are mine. Tears of a child who is lost and can't seem to find her way. If only I had gotten myself lost at Disney. Those people at City Hall are so good at finding things.