Lost Entries v.2

It's the last day in London and I found I have journaled very little; despite a constant barrage of thoughts, plans, and emotions. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that this whole vacation has been very fantastical and has only allowed me to entertain more and more unrealistic ideas of the future.

If I struggled being six hours away from my family/home, amidst my best friends, why do I think I would succeed across the ocean by myself? Everything seems fun and easy until I have to rely on the busy, hot tube and have to deal with the constant shoving. I think I get swept up with ideas that within the confines of my life, I wouldn't even think to entertain. I'm so bewildered by my lack of direction that I've started trying to go in every direction. I can't do all those things; I can barely succeed at what I try to do.

I'm sure it's not really true, but I think I'm past the tears now. I'm onto just pure confusion.. and maybe a little anger. It's confusing to think that this plan for my future (that which brings hope) looks like this. I'm finding it hard to hope for much these days. Everything I hope (and subsquently do a wee bit of planning) my hopes fall through. It's never THE plan.

The plan seems to be waiting; constant, relentless, waiting. Getting mediocre versions of my dreams if I get them at all. And I'm surrounded by a great small group who seem to have at least something working out for each of them. I watch their marriages, hear about the ups and downs of their jobs, and visit their homes. I am constantly reminded, without intention, that I am lacking those things. And I know those aren't things that are important in the scheme of the kingdom. I just struggle because I desire them. So much. And they're not bad things to desire. And most of the times (hey, I'm human) I desire them for reasons to further the kingdom.

I want a job at a school so that I can love on kids. I want to make sure they do well so that they can communicate well in their futures. I want them to know that not only is someone rooting for them, but that someone already believes they can do it. I want them to be challenged in their studies and in their lives. I want them to desire more for themselves because it's been communicated that they CAN have been and that they deserve it.

Believe it or not, I don't just want a boy so I can date a boy. I want a husband to love. A man to lead me more towards Christ. I want a godly man that can help me love and minster to my foster kids. I want someone to bicker with, who will challenge me.

I want a home to care for. I want a place that girls know they can crash if they need an ear or a bed. I want them to be able to be cared for well, at ANY time. I want them to see a healthy marriage and what a godly man looks like. I want them to see it's worth waiting for and that it's not okay to settle for a man who doesn't love the Lord.

And I know that I also want all of it for selfish reasons, but those aren't it. I'm just not sure what He's using these years for that he couldn't have done with just one of those things worked out. I continually come back to the feeling of just being lost.