Praying for the struggle

Sometimes, I feel just like that bear.  Like at the end of the day I have slammed full force into a wall.  That is my exact face when crawling into bed at night; I wouldn't make it another step if I tried.  Life has become a battle between me and the hours in the day.

I have found myself repeatedly in the position lately, of apologizing for, or explaining away my hardships.  When I talk life with friends, they apologize or wish they could do more.  I find myself saying, again and again, "it's okay. that's life."  And while that statement is very true (with life inevitably comes struggle), it has very little hope.  It isn't a statement that says I believe that my hope outweighs my current circumstances, because my hope is in the one true Lord.  Because he has already endured and overcome everything I could even imagine going through.

Recently, with my team, we've been spending time in the word together during team meetings.  I cannot think of anything more worthy of our time.  In the midst of that, I feel like we've spent some time talking about struggling.  (as mentioned before, it's a given in this life)  And we've talked about the promise that our struggles refine us, that they teach us more about God and his character.  I believe that at a ten.  I've watched it happen and I've even gotten glimpses of it in my own life.  But we have to submit ourselves under him in order for him to step out.  I have to be looking for him; crying for him even, in the midst of my struggles.  Then, regardless of whether he eases that particular struggle, he makes himself known.

Sadly, I think I have discovered a large character flaw within myself during this discovery.  If I had to choose between more of him and an easy life, I might choose the easy way out. (literally)  That realization has surprised me.  I wouldn't have thought myself to choose such a lame thing over the God of the Universe.  And yet, during rough days, when crap continues day in and day out, I ask for relief, not for a Savior.  So this week, I'm going to challenge myself to ask him to be my relief; not an absence of struggle, but a Savior to walk alongside me.  And since that leads to knowing him more, I'm going to attempt to pray for struggles to come.  Hit me with your best shot.  (never have I uttered a more terrifying phrase)

Gratitude

This was in my drafts because I started it long ago and never finished it. (slightly ironic if you read it, but if I remember correctly my computer died.)  It's extra special to me now, as I looked over the pictures I had chosen and had yet to write about, because Bertie is one of them.  She was and will always be a treasure.  Enjoy...


The new rooms and I are working on holding each other accountable to spending time with Jesus. So when I tried to wimp out on hang out time because I'm a grandma and want to go to bed, she called me on it.  So my "assignment" tonight it to write things that I am thankful for.  She told me three, but I like to think I can come up with more than that, so here are four.

My girls

I am beyond amazed every time I get to share the gospel with these girls.  I love it because they are at an age where they are so vulnerable and so real.  They are willing to open up their lives and share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I have learned so much about God and his heart for us by spending time with these girls.  They make me laugh and they make me cry.  I laugh with them and I weep for them.  I am so thankful that the Lord allows me to be a part of ministry at Finneytown.

Cat Wade

When I was a pesky, pious, youth group kid she spent time with me.  She challenged me to better and to more.  She showed me what it looked like for a woman to love the Lord enough to give up her life.  If there is anything good in me as a leader, it is because I followed Cat Wade, following Christ.  And I continue to get to call her my friend.

Grams (Bertie)

I'm not sure I can get much down right now, because I have already started crying, but this woman is amazing.  She taught me how to enjoy life, how to spend intentional time with people, how to laugh, how to love unconditionally and relentlessly, how to be fair.. I could go on for pages.  For those of you that don't know, my grams passed away about two weeks ago.  She had been fighting cancer since the spring and we all got to spend lots of time with her this summer; it was wonderfully bittersweet.  My aunt Amy and I got to share a special moment with her this May in the hospital.  Everyone had just left and the three of us sat there.  She summed up Paul's thoughts when she said she was torn.  She so wanted to stay and be with all of us (there are 25 between kids/grandkids) but "I just want to be with Cliff and my Jesus."  Of course tears flowed at the moment, but in that moment I wanted that so badly for her.  The assurance when she said MY Jesus.  I think it's why I haven't cried much about it.  It would seem selfish to cry.  She finally gets to be back with the man I got to call my grandpa, AND she gets to hang out with Jesus.  Her Jesus.  That one word has resonated in my mind all summer.  Because I want to call him mine. (and I am thankful that he calls us his.)

Parentals

I'm spoiled rotton. My parents are amazing. And hilariously, this picture sums them up perfectly.  My mom is an extravert.  She'll make friends with anyone.  Super friendly.  And once you're friends, you're friends for life.  She would do anything for you.  Dad loves the background.  We jokingly call him a hermit.  But he loves to just support; to encourage.  They have taken so seriously the call on their lives to make disciples; because I know they are why Sara and I know and follow the Lord.  

Walking on Water

I had a realization a few weeks back that we all have opportunities in our lives to walk on water.  God presents us with opportunities that are, by all means, impossible.  Things that the world (and common sense) tells us shouldn't work.  Maybe you're making it by financially on an amount of money that seems too small, for example.  When we keep our eyes on Jesus, He makes the impossible, possible in our lives.  I use that as an example, because it's how he's been allowing me to walk on water since leaving teaching.  Life shouldn't work as easily as it has.  And i'm not saying I walk on water because he just deposits cash in my accounts. (although should he choose to go that route, I will not argue) Instead he puts things in my life that are atypical; roommates who want little to no rent. A sister who loves to take me out to eat. Random things in my life that I like to do on the side of my job that make good money (cupcakes, earrings, etc).  And as long as my eyes are on Him, it all works.

Sometimes though, the world is really loud.  If you remember from the account of Peter walking on water, you'll remember that he sinks at one point.  He gets distracted by the wind and the waves.  This wasn't a clear, pristine night.  I cannot imagine not being distracted.  The world was shouting that what he was doing wasn't possible.  He forgot who he was with.  Of course walking on water isn't possible for us; but it is for Jesus.  And because He's there, it is for Peter as well.  The world loves to shout at me that life shouldn't work.  That because my job isn't in my field of training or doesn't make enough or doesn't have enough hours, I'm doing something wrong.  Or I'm not good enough.  The world is good at being loud; it's good at distracting us and reminding us that what we're doing isn't possible.  That's when I freak out and apply for 10 jobs in one sitting; jobs that also have nothing to do with my training, or even things I enjoy.  I panic and forget that this isn't impossible for Him.

When we keep our eyes on Jesus, we get to walk on water.  I think that's worth getting out of the boat.

"What did you just say?"

One week ago, I wrote about a comment that my roommate had made.  After my saying that teaching at Finneytown was the last time I felt called, she remarked "and look how you have remained faithful to the call".  This was eye opening to me because at times I have felt that I have selfishly held on to ministry at Finneytown.  Last Monday, God rocked my socks off; as if to prove it has nothing to do with me, he just wants me to watch him work.

Let me catch you up to speed.  We are going to camp, for the most part, as an area.  We received about 98 spots for said camp trip to Lake Champion to split amongst the schools.  As of last week, there weren't a whole lot of spots left for the area; although Cat said she could probably pick up 20 more spots.  Going into the night, as well as throughout the night, we made sure kids realized that spots weren't just sitting around waiting to be filled.  

As the night started, about three deposits (from regulars) came in.  By the time club was over we had eight deposits.  We kept talking to kids and God kept showing up.  I had a girl approach me after club.  This girl is absolutely wonderful and sadly hasn't been able to come to camp last year or this year.  Her first comment was, "My mom asked me today if I wanted to go to camp."  What?  Turns out, she will be going to camp this year because Courtney went and picked up her deposit later that night.  Sean then left to head out to her boyfriend's house to pick up his deposit.  

In the midst of our team meeting, when Cat was finally free to chat, I got to be the one to talk to her about our numbers.  Timidly, I told her about our deposits.  "What did you just say?"  That was her response.  Because I had just told her that we collected 16 deposits that night.  Going into the night, we had 24 deposits.  We sat around the table at Courtney's parents' house laughing; because in moments like these you know that it's God doing all the work.  

I often delude myself into thinking that something I do or something I don't do could actually help/hurt ministry.  Now, don't get me wrong.  We definitely need to make ourselves available and the Lord will do crazy things through us.  In the same sense, our fallenness can truly damage ministry.  I've seen both sides of that coin.  But when amazing, jaw dropping, tear inducing things happen, I tend to lean towards blaming Jesus.  

16 kids don't turn in deposits in one night because the thought of spending a week with me makes them run home and grab a check.  Kids don't stand up at a say-so because I had a really good one on one time with them.  Lives don't change forever because I am great at leading biblestudies.  No, in moments like these we get to just sit back and marvel.  Our God is greater than anything we could imagine.  And so this week, I'm going to work on just sitting back in awe of him.  Because dangit if he's not awe inspiring.

Listening To The Call

On Friday night, at leadership, we had a night of prayer and worship.  I am a writer (if you haven't already picked up on that) and so my words come more freely and honestly through my pen than any other medium.  I tend to pray with written words.  I will scribble furiously as my mind speeds through thoughts.  In the midst of my breakdown previously in the week, I have been hearing the Lord. He has pushed me to rely on him regardless of my unbelief.

I came to a place of recognizing that much of my lack of trust stems from lack of depth in our relationship.  How can I trust him when I don't know him? How can I rely on him when I'm not intimately acquainted with his character?  Of course, we have a relationship.  But do I put the appropriate amount of time and effort into the relationship? Probably not.  This should be the relationship that matters most to me.  This should be the one that I spend the most time on, the most effort on. And yet, it's not.  And so I imagine that my grandiose call in life is being neglected by him.  That he has forgotten to step up and call me to my life of adventure.

There may never be a grandiose call on my life like what I want it to look like.  But regardless of my emotions, there is a call on my life.  It doesn't look like a house, a job, a man, or any particular ministry even.  The call on my life is to love and follow him; to abandon all else and be faithful to him and him alone.  Our relationship with Christ is compared to a marriage in the Bible.  How often do I go out on my groom; occupying my night with things that I deem more valuable?  All he asks is that I remain faithful. That I vow to love him above all others.  And in the midst of chasing after him with a single-minded purpose, he allows us to be a part of what he's doing.

The other night, as previously mentioned, I was talking with Anola about the radio silence.  I said that I had felt called to Finneytown all those years ago and then... radio silence.  Her comment was "and look how you have remained faithful to the call".  It isn't me that is faithful though.  He has remained faithful to me and has allowed me to continue to be a part of this ministry.

Even last year, when I thought I would be on the way out after leaving my teaching job, he has called me to remain faithful; to him and to finneytown.  And looking at the kids that I get to call my friends, that I get to do ministry alongside; looking at my teammates who are actively giving their lives away... I wouldn't have it any other way.  Who needs some international adventure when I get to watch kids cross over from death to life?  Not me.

Let Them Eat (cup)Cakes

Today was the first day that I did my cupcakes for a reason other than just pure enjoyment.  I had two dozen purchased for a wedding shower, and I took over one hundred cupcakes to a shower I was helping host.

Cupcakes are just fun; that's not news to anyone.  I always joked, when I was in Virginia unsure of what to do with my life, that I would open up a cupcake shop: Let Them Eat (cup)Cakes.  I would be able to put my baking skills to use and enjoy what I did.  Years later, who would've guessed it, I worked at a cupcake shop.  (albeit not my own cupcake shop)  I learned SO much in those short two months from the woman I worked with.  Before, my cupcakes would have been iced with a spatula and maybe some sprinkles.  Now, I hate serving unfilled cupcakes and I have to think through how I can frost each kind differently.

All that said, it's nice to feel accomplished at something again.  It's a different feeling to have so many people tell you how much they love what you've made and when can they order some for themselves.  A woman was at my shower who was at the shower earlier in the day for which my cupcakes had been purchased, and she came over to rave to me about how delicious they were.  Granted this probably comes off a bit egotistical, but for those of you that read on a regular basis, you might have seen a trend that this hasn't been commonplace for some time now.  So to feel like you're doing something well; and good enough that people want to pay you to do it more...well that's something to smile about.

Perhaps it's about time to let them eat cupcakes.

Shouts above the noise

My heart has been so heavy lately. With the burdens of what I want my life to look like verses what it does look like. I just never imagined as a child that it would be like this; and with a tear stained face yesterday, I related that to my mother. Unfortunately, in the midst of my state of "wretchedness", I haven't been able to really hear words of encouragement. They all seem fake and forced.

Late last night, upon arriving home from family dinner, my roommate asked me how my day was. I proceeded to break down into a big ugly cry. We talked about life and what it looks like. I told her how I feel like since being called to Finneytown all those years ago, it has been radio silence. She looked at me and said, "and yet you remained faithful to his call". He's good at humbling me by placing people in my life that will consistently, firmly remind me of his truth.

 So we prayed together; asking that I would actually believe all the promises he has made me. Because one of my biggest struggles recently has been that while he is affirming his truths, the affirmations of the lies are louder. While Anola's graciousness as a roommate reminds me that he provides, working in a mall often makes me feel as if I'm not worth much.

 After many tears and prayers, I went off to my room to go to sleep. Upon climbing into bed, I received a text message from my wonderful coleader Sean. The text preview merely read "The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs". He continued writing out isaiah 58:11, but when that appeared on my screen, more ugly tears arrived. Then a quick, out-of-the-blue affirmation from a coworker today. And one of my new favorite friends offered up her place once the rooms gets married.

 It is amazing how sneaky Jesus is. Yesterday, with big ugly tears I said he was silent. I accused him of not speaking loudly enough over the lies. And in 24 hours, he shouted. Numerous times. I will provide. You are worth it to me. You are beautiful. I will meet your needs. I am guiding you; be patient.

How are you really doing?

I think that it's very easy for us to get so wrapped up in the drama of our own lives to forget what is going on in other's lives. I had a very open and real conversation with a good friend the other day about some of the frustrations in her life right now. It was hard and yet almost funny to hear all of my frustrations coming out of her mouth. How isolated we each feel underneath our burdens, and yet they are the same burdens that we are carrying. Loneliness, frustrations with our jobs, not feeling "successful" (whatever that means), etc. It was as if we had never discussed these before, although I know we have.

And so in the midst of our tears, I was laughing inside at my discovery. I feel like I had some good talks recently and have accepted the truth that our sin often drives us towards feeling alone, isolated. We feel ashamed and as if we are the only ones struggling with said sin so we must stay alone in it. If we let anyone in on our "dirty little secrets" then they might see us for who we truly are; broken individuals. I feel like through my discussion the other day though, that I learned it is not just sin that drives us towards feeling isolated.

In the midst of our lives, we often feel unloved and unworthy. And for whatever reason, whether it be pride or fear, we rarely have the conversation with our friends that we feel this way. It is hard and it often feels like it will come across that we are compliment fishing. I don't want to burden a friend with the need to boost my self confidence or continually say how great I am; regardless of their belief in those statements. First off, it always comes across as forced and not genuine. Secondly, no matter how much a friend tells me that I really am great, I don't' believe them. In the same way that regardless of how people tell you you look, sometimes you just feel unattractive.

Perhaps the take away message for all of this is just that whether it be sin or pain, we were meant to be together. God created a partner for Adam so that he wasn't alone. We were created for community. So in the spirit of community, lets share our lives. And not just the every day going ons of what we are doing. How was work? Did you have a good dinner with so and so? But lets have deep, genuine conversation that probes further than what we normally ask. I don't know exactly what that looks like so I'm not sure I can give example questions. I don't think it means sitting down to lunch and asking, "Hey have you been feeling unworthy of God's love recently?" I can't imagine that conversation without giggling because I feel awkward just pretending it's happening. But maybe it just comes down to being like kolia, never breaking eye contact, and asking again after someone says they're fine. "

"How are you really doing?"