Love Walked In

Don't get your hopes up. I wish this was an aptly titled blog about my life too. It's actually the title of the book I'm going to quote. I haven't been very original lately but I have been reading some great stuff. This is a quick snippet that so beautifully describes writing.

Getting the words right mattered, but so did describing his voice when he talked and capturing the feeling that filled her as he spoke and after he spoke. She thought about that word "capture," how it put a writer on par with a fur trapper or big-game hunter, and how it implied that stories were whole and roaming around loose in the world, and a writers job was to catch them. Except of course that a writer didn't kill what she caught, didn't stuff it and hang it on a wall; the point was to keep the stories alive.

Conversations with a Genius

I've been reading a book the past few weeks called Angry Conversations With God It's pretty stellar. I think I enjoy it most because me and Susan, the author, while very different, have very similar thoughts about God. Not only that, but she's friggin' hilarious. And amid the humor, there is truth. The premise of the book, although a bit far-fetched, is that she takes God to couples counseling. She finds a Christian counselor that invites her to engage in "conversations" with God about her issues with him and where she finds him "at fault" in the relationship. That being said, I will share some of the parts I love most. (if you read nothing else, read the last one)

God: You apologized years ago and I forgave you. This is the same thing you did when you were eighteen: "I know you're angry and you hate me: I'll do everything right so you'll love me." I didn't hate you. And I never loved you because you were good. I loved you because you were mine.


God:I don't have a problem with sex. I invented it, didn't I? I did not design the body to be celibate at forty. I also didn't design you to be stuck in emotional adolescence into retirement.
Susan: And therein lies the conflict.
God: It's your messed-up culture that has set up the conflict, not me. Please, go, have sex! Live out the Song of Solomon. Only do it married, with a Christian man who's going to understand your whole heart.
Susan: Those men weren't available. They all read Kiss My Dating Ass Goodbye.


Susan: I wanted to be loved.
God: So do I, Susan. I have loved you your whole life. I've never left you. Even when you wanted me to. I brought you out of despair. I dumped so many blessings into your life. You had nearly everything. Except one thing: a man. Don't you think I knew that? Did you have no patience?
Susan: No patience?! I was nearly forty years old.
God: Well, as you said: you live in a fallen world and it sucks.
Susan: You created this world.
God: But I didn't make it fall, Susan. I didn't make it suck.


God:...What are your complaints against me? That I didn't give you the career you wanted? That you didn't get the husband you wanted? I'm not a life insurance policy: I am your Maker. I want to be the Lover of your soul. You married me for my money! I know the church is mess up. Do you know why? Because they're like you: you're here to improve your own life. And then when you don't get what you want, you complain.... I gave you my life, Susan. But you wanted a career and a boyfriend....If you decide you want to know the real me - not a drill-sergeant Father or a wimpy Jesus you can minipulate or blame. If you want to love the real me, for better or worse, richer or poorer, lonely or in love - which is how I've loved you, Susan - then I'll be back. But not until then. And don't ask me to come back until you mean it. Because I'll know.

A unit of the Mafia

Family. It's one of the few times in our lives, we don't choose the people associated with us. I, in that matter, won the lottery. While my family has its' quirks and we sometimes clash, I love my family. They are, quirks and all, all that one could ever ask for.

My parents are supportive to the nth degree. And they have opportunities to be either way. Sara has always been the child that worked her tail off and earned every grade she got. She continues to work her tail off in her amazing job that was offered to her a year before she graduated. She also works at a marriage to the coolest guy I know (hopefully not the case forever. I like to think I'll like my husband more), and I can honestly say they are one of the best couples. Period. She also has an amazing home that her and said husband always seem to be tinkering with (although some of those things just keep popping up on their own).

I on the other hand, was that annoying kid that never worked for grades, they just came my way. I have floated a bit after college, doing a brief stint in Virginia, now lollygagging around Cincinnati. And yet, they are equally supportive of both of us. They could not possibly love us any more than they already do. Dad is always there for wisdom, prayer and a backrub when you're tired or feeling sick, and random trivia about weird scifi shows. Mom is always there. For anything. Even if that's you left a random paper at home when you drove back up to college in Oxford. She's there 45 minutes later with your paper and lunch at Skyline.

All that being said, I couldn't ask for anything else in a parent. They are everything a person could hope for and ask for. Not only are they this wonderful and giving with Sara and I, but it extends to any of our friends, their friends, their friends' children, any homeless person they can find on the street. More than anything else, they are good at giving themselves away. (not necessarily mom's nickyknackies, but definitely her time and herself)

Luckily for me, that translates to Sara being amazing at it as well. (which also means she married that kind of man). I am continually blessed by Sara and Mike and their willingness, two years into their marriage, to take in the homeless little sister with no job opportunities. I had the message from Mike inviting me to stay here on my phone for two months. I finally had to erase it because I cried every time I listened to it. Not only did they invite me in for this year, but even when I had a plausible job opportunity this summer, Mike suggested I stay another year to save up money.

Nothing in particular prompted this, but I've just been realizing how blessed I am when it comes to my family. They are four amazing people that while two weeks is the vacation limit, I'm glad there's not really a limit. I'm glad that we're all chasing after Christ together. I'm glad that we're in one city, sharing our lives. I'm glad that I get to spend the rest of my life loving and being loved by these four people.

The beginning of peace

I'm not sure how this past week has been different, but suddenly, I'm not stressed or worried about the job (or should I say jobless) situation. No, it's not because new opportunities are popping up endlessly and so I feel secure that something will work out. It's not even that I've got something now that will be an adequate bill payer. I just happened to not stress or feel overwhelmed this week while thinking about said sad situation. I'm not sure if this is me finally learning to trust, or pure apathy (which with me is actually a very good possibility), but either way I'll take it.

Maybe it all goes back to finally enjoying the ride. It's maybe one of my more favorite little ditties I've ever read (and it probably ups it a few spots since I wrote it) but here goes:

why do we count on plans and hopes instead of living in what he has granted us today in the here and now? i long for the day when i will stop planning for the next stop to arrive. when i will stop searching my bags for a map and instead press my face eagerly against the window awaiting the scenery he has planted for me to enjoy while i ride.

And maybe that time is finally here. Maybe, for some odd reason, tomorrow seems far enough away (and harmless enough) that I'm able to just sit back and enjoy the ride until then. I think peace is finally here. And I'll tell you what.. peace is always welcome.

Last one (Lost Entries v.3)

Sevenish hours into an eight hours plan ride that will shortly be followed by a six hour car drive. My legs are actually missing the walking. Who thought that would happen? But as the journey of fun, wonder, and confusion comes to an end, I'll end it at my hearts' home.

I've never been more content not living in Virginia anymore, but it will always be a place that my heart finds true rest. And after all this confusion and frustration, rest will be welcomed. Not rest in the typical sense. I woke up at 630am London time this morning, and probably won't get to sleep until around midnight Virginia time. Twenty-three straight hours will be rough; it'll probably hit me in the last hour of West Virginia.

But at the end of the road is camp. And around thirty Finneytown kids who are going to be hearing the first half of the gospel in about five hours. It's a tough night, BUT the glory of the gospel lies in wait. Tomorrow is the day. It's the day the lazy leader has relied on and it's His chance to be made known. Kids can hear it any day, but there is something sacred about cross talk night at Young Life camp.

It may come from how many people I love that met Christ on that night. He used that night to call everyone else on my team. There are always an awe-inspiring amount of hands up when the question is asked at Leader Weekends. There are exceptions, but most people do ministry with Young Life because it was the ministry he used to reconcile with them. I am constantly in awe of the way he uses this ministry and the way that he allows us to be a part of it. We get the chance to be part of eternity. The kids that we spend time with and lead, they're hearing the gospel. The same gospel that healed the lame, called out the dead, turned Saul into Paul, and gave me grace.

Today is the day they will hear about their fallenness. But tomorrow. Well tomorrow is the day they will hear about what lengths he went to to rescue them. Tomorrow is the day they'll see grace. End of story. And what a sweet story it is.

Lost Entries v.2

It's the last day in London and I found I have journaled very little; despite a constant barrage of thoughts, plans, and emotions. Maybe it just comes down to the fact that this whole vacation has been very fantastical and has only allowed me to entertain more and more unrealistic ideas of the future.

If I struggled being six hours away from my family/home, amidst my best friends, why do I think I would succeed across the ocean by myself? Everything seems fun and easy until I have to rely on the busy, hot tube and have to deal with the constant shoving. I think I get swept up with ideas that within the confines of my life, I wouldn't even think to entertain. I'm so bewildered by my lack of direction that I've started trying to go in every direction. I can't do all those things; I can barely succeed at what I try to do.

I'm sure it's not really true, but I think I'm past the tears now. I'm onto just pure confusion.. and maybe a little anger. It's confusing to think that this plan for my future (that which brings hope) looks like this. I'm finding it hard to hope for much these days. Everything I hope (and subsquently do a wee bit of planning) my hopes fall through. It's never THE plan.

The plan seems to be waiting; constant, relentless, waiting. Getting mediocre versions of my dreams if I get them at all. And I'm surrounded by a great small group who seem to have at least something working out for each of them. I watch their marriages, hear about the ups and downs of their jobs, and visit their homes. I am constantly reminded, without intention, that I am lacking those things. And I know those aren't things that are important in the scheme of the kingdom. I just struggle because I desire them. So much. And they're not bad things to desire. And most of the times (hey, I'm human) I desire them for reasons to further the kingdom.

I want a job at a school so that I can love on kids. I want to make sure they do well so that they can communicate well in their futures. I want them to know that not only is someone rooting for them, but that someone already believes they can do it. I want them to be challenged in their studies and in their lives. I want them to desire more for themselves because it's been communicated that they CAN have been and that they deserve it.

Believe it or not, I don't just want a boy so I can date a boy. I want a husband to love. A man to lead me more towards Christ. I want a godly man that can help me love and minster to my foster kids. I want someone to bicker with, who will challenge me.

I want a home to care for. I want a place that girls know they can crash if they need an ear or a bed. I want them to be able to be cared for well, at ANY time. I want them to see a healthy marriage and what a godly man looks like. I want them to see it's worth waiting for and that it's not okay to settle for a man who doesn't love the Lord.

And I know that I also want all of it for selfish reasons, but those aren't it. I'm just not sure what He's using these years for that he couldn't have done with just one of those things worked out. I continually come back to the feeling of just being lost.

Lost Entries

I had some entries that I prepared while away, across the pond, which never made it onto here in the bustle of Virginia, Ohio, Virginia, Ohio. So as not to deprive you of the joy of reading my innermost thoughts, I will post them both now.

We saw Romeo and Juliet tonight, exactly how it should have looked. Under the London sky, pigeons abounding, minus makeup and microphones, the bard's most loved play tugged at my heart. Because what mere preteens found so easily, I cannot seem to make my way towards; direction.

I feel so unsure about what I'm supposed to do. So unsure and confused. I keep finding myself in situations that I get really excited about and nothing comes of it. I got excited about teaching middle school (I know, right?!) and it didn't happen. I randomly got swept up in the idea of field staff internationally and that's a far distant dream, if I even pursued it.

Sitting in the theater tonight, I am reminded of the joy I had whenever on the stage. The wonder of being so swept up in a character, you become them. Their hurts, betrayals, tears; they're yours too. You weep not as an actress but because your heart is truly broken.

I sat in the theater tonight and had to lag behind so no one would see my tears. These, despite being in a theater, were mine; are mine. Tears of a child who is lost and can't seem to find her way. If only I had gotten myself lost at Disney. Those people at City Hall are so good at finding things.

Home across the pond

I still have a week left, and this whirlwind vacation has been exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love it. I very well would move here if given a job, but nonetheless I am exhausted and ready for sleep. And amidst the chaos and crowds, I find myself, tonight, at home. Funny that a tiny store that I generally only visit in four hour increments, unless late into the morning, would seem like home, even across the ocean. But I find myself, in the stress and joy of family tonight, in an Apple store. Because it's the one thing here that is a piece of home. I can come here and I know what I need to know. Heck, I find myself checking their cable management and staffing. (It's okay to laugh at this. I know it is slightly creepy). But, with a sigh, I must go back to my night out on the London streets. Dont' feel bad for me, if anything you should be jealous because this place is by far one of my favorites. (fun fact: the computer wants to correct my spelling to be british. I am remaining firmly american) Enjoy your nights, or days for you kids across the pond, and perhaps I shall see you in the coming weeks ahead.

What Now?

The waiting is over, and I still find myself with a lack of patience. I didn't get the job. I kind of want to end it there because I don't know what to say. No one does. Unfortunately, that doesn't always stop people from pretending they do, so I have had a variety of conversations which I had to stop and walk away from or hang up the phone. There is no easy answer here.

I came home from a place that I loved because I was excited to teach. I was actually excited to spend my days with high school kids. I absolutely adore them. They are so honest and vulnerable when you least expect it and they just want to experience life. I came back and was given the opportunity to pursue these kids at Finneytown. It may look different from when I was there, but those same kids are there. I sometimes sit while subbing and try and figure out who I would've hung out with. Who in the class will eventually be me?

I was astatic when I heard there would be an opening, admittedly I was disappointed it was middle school, but by the time I interviewed, I was excited about it. I had a good interview, I didn't get a rejection letter right away. And typical Mandy fashion, I started planning. I planned how my August would look, how I would decorate my classroom, when we would have to do family vacations since my spring break wouldn't line up with Mike's, what I would do in my summer off.

Now, I'm just trying to figure out where to go from here. I don't have experience and apparently that's important. Funny, because I even addressed that in my cover letter. I was very proud of that little snippet. And yet, there are no opportunities for experience. So what do I do? Wait and hope that subbing is enough experience? Because if that was really the case, I would have a job now. I am supposedly a very popular sub with good ratings. But instead, I need real experience, which is completely valid. If only there was a way for teachers to get experience so they can get hired to teach. (I apologize for the cynicism only a little. I think I'm allowed to be a little bitter, especially since this is my blog). All that being said, I'm left in a bit of a conundrum. I now either need a job or I have to go back to school to keep my license. But if I can't get a job without experience what help will keeping my license be.

More than anything, I just feel lost. I felt like this whole year had a purpose behind it. I was enduring it to get to the happy part; where my subbing and getting my foot in the door paid off with my own classroom. It's all I want. And it's the one thing that apparently I'm not going to get.

sigh...

and so begins the 11 days of not much at all. I will hopefully have great news at the end, with me developing an immense love for running. (especially since my idea to pool it up at the city pool daily died since the pool doesn't open until the 8th) Let me know if you're bored in june...chances are I am too.